“I do” is a commitment for life – almost no one goes into a marriage imagining it will be anything less.
Of course, sometimes the best laid plans – and intentions – go awry; things happen, people change and separation and divorce do happen.
According to the latest statistics from the Australian Institute of Family Studies, divorce in this nation is at an all-time high, up from 1.9 per 1000 residents in 2020 to 2.2 in 2021 when 56,244 divorces were granted.
Here, like elsewhere around the globe, Covid wreaked havoc on relationships, fuelling a spike in divorce and separation.
But for some, the end of a marriage or long-term relationship doesn’t hail the finale of their once-in-a-lifetime love story … rather a break, that might last a few months, several years or even decades.
In fact, international figures suggest as many as 10 to 15 per cent of couples reconcile after they separate, with 6 per cent remarrying each other after they divorce.
Comparable data doesn’t exist in Australia but experts agree the “re-coupling” of former partners isn’t “uncommon”, and “does happen”.
The young family
It is a scenario Adelaide couple Domenico “Dom” and Ashlee Pitasi can relate well to.
Now parents to two boys, aged two and four, the pair married in 2017 after nine years together but separated in 2022, the stress of living and working at home with two young children during Covid proving too much.
Dom speaks candidly about the temporary breakdown of his marriage and the role he played in it.
“There were a whole range of work-related things going on in the background but the way I would speak to my wife and my children and my actions weren’t that of a father or a husband,” he says.
“It got to the point my wife said, ‘I have had enough’ and we separated.”
While devastating for him, the time away from his family and “love of my life” proved the wake-up call the 39-year-old financial assistant specialist needed.
He sought professional help from life and relationship coach and mentor Mark Sandercock, who runs Magnificent Mindset jointly with wife Monica, who he’d met at his local gym.
“When I reached out to him, he said, ‘I can’t guarantee we will save your marriage but we will work to make you a better person and father’,” Mr Pitasi says.
“It wasn’t easy but (Mark) was an amazing support and it helped just knowing he was in my corner.
“We’d meet once a fortnight and he’d give me some homework to reflect on my actions and the way I was raised … we did some deep diving into the emotional side of things, talked about vulnerability and that sort of thing.
“Rather than putting my work before everything I came to realise that my kids, my wife – my family – are the most important to me in the world.
“I love everything about Ashlee, she is tolerant and understanding and beautiful inside and out … she makes me feel like I can take on the world; that nothing else matters.”
He and his wife, 33, a stenocaptioner, reunited several months ago, and say life – and their love for each other – has never been sweeter. They are even considering redoing their vows.
“Of course, it is not all roses and rainbows, it has its challenges but we are stronger, we are more committed to each other than we have ever been,” Mr Pitasi says.
“It is unfortunate that we had to go through what we did but I think if you come out stronger the other side it is worth it,” his wife agrees.
“Our relationship is 100 per cent better than it was (before the break-up), we’ve almost gone back to how we were pre-kids … when you have kids, it is a big shake up, (as a couple) you can fall to the back of the line, especially when the kids are so young and dependent on you.
“For us, it has been learning how to approach each other and knowing you can communicate without things being taken the wrong way … listening to what each other has to say and trying to look at things from a different perspective; not just, ‘This is how it is, this is my way, this is how I see it’.
“(Dom’s) outlook, his attitude, his temperament, his personality in general has changed … (he’s worked on) breaking some habits of how he was raised … he’s become a bit softer, I guess.”
Mrs Pitasi says it “means the world” to have come back together as a family.
“It is everything really … and obviously it’s a relief that the 15 years we have had together aren’t going to waste, or down the drain.”
She’s keen to redo her wedding vows with her husband.
“I love how we just get along and our ability to make each other laugh … when you can find someone that you can share that with, yeah, it is worth holding on to,” she says.
“Dom feels like home.”
The rekindled love
Aged in her late 70s, Kathy Gepp and her late husband Grant first married in 1972 after a whirlwind romance in which he proposed after just a week – she was 27, and he was 31.
“I met him on a Saturday night, in the middle of a floor at a party, and he made up his mind after that first meeting … after a week he said, ‘I think we should be married’ and I said ‘yes’ – our daughter was born a year later,” Mrs Gepp recalls.
The couple, who’d each previously been married, parted about 10 years later, when they had three young girls.
He later remarried – divorcing after 18 years – but she never did, instead relocating for a time to Sydney when the children were grown and left home.
After a health scare involving one of the kids, Mrs Gepp called her former husband to fill him in on what had happened, and reassure him their daughter was OK.
“He was just like the ‘old Grant’ that I knew when we first met; we were laughing … I thought, ‘My goodness, here I am getting on better with my ex partner than anybody else I’ve talked to in a long while’, it just seemed so natural … I couldn’t believe how easy it was,” she says.
The couple kept in contact, chatting regularly on the phone and communicating via a chat app on their computers.
“After several weeks … he said, ‘I am going to come and see you’,” she says.
After spending the weekend together in Sydney, he re-declared his love for her and suggested they make another go at it. She agreed and moved back to Adelaide.
“(In the time we’d been apart), he had done a lot of self-growth work and developed his communication skills, in as far as talking about personal matters, which was lacking the first time around … he told me he had never stopped loving me,” she says.
“I had changed a lot too, in terms of my attitude.
“After being back together for several months I said, ‘If we are going to do this, we are going to get married … because, this is it, for the rest of our lives’.”
They married on June 9, 2003, 31 years to the day they’d first exchanged vows in the Adelaide Registry Office – this time with daughters Karen, Linda and Laura as bridesmaids.
“It was wonderful … it was just meant to be and was very, very easy; we both said it was like the 30 years in between had never happened.”
He learned ballroom dancing, to share in her passion.
Sadly their wedded bliss was cut short, this time by a heartbreaking diagnosis.
“To our horror, at the end of 2004, we found out he had cancer, so we only had four years together, the second time round,” she says, breaking down at the sad recollection.
“But we spent the next two years, while he was going through the process of fighting it, becoming very, very close … I have never been that close to anyone in my life.
“We would laugh, we would cry … I do feel blessed, because we did love each other and it was just through a lack of communication we broke up the first time but we were able to enjoy that love again.”
The celebrant
There are two wedding celebrations that long-time Adelaide celebrant Kaye Hartog won’t forget.
“The first, involved a couple who had been married for 35 years but grew apart … they went through all the works and (emotions), finally getting a divorce,” she says.
“But, 12 months on, they discovered they really couldn’t live without each other, and remarried.
“Their second marriage (ceremony) was quite emotional; they wrote some beautiful, moving, heartwarming vows … it felt like it was coming from their hearts, what they loved about each other.”
The celebrant of 17 years, who is also an industry assessor and trainer, reflects on another wedding, involving a couple who’d previously been married to each other.
“The second one was similar, it involved a couple who had been married about 18 years but had grown apart and been divorced for five years,” she says.
“At a point down the track they met up and started dating again … they said it was the best thing they ever did, (telling how this time around they’d gone) on real dates.
“He got down on his knee and proposed to her again, something he didn’t do the first time … they were both very emotional at the wedding, because they’d found each other again.”
The counsellor
Relationships Australia executive Elisabeth Shaw says while it is not uncommon for people to rekindle a past relationship, she isn’t aware of any national data showing statistics around those who remarry a former spouse which is less usual.
“People do pursue lost loves and rekindle things from earlier years,” she says.
“Often for those couples who do rediscover each other and come back together, it has been a longer separation where they’ve been apart, sometimes for years, and they’ve fully done the separation component – the property settlement and divorce.
“It is after that, they rediscover each other … I think there is something about pushing it all the way to the end.
“(The separation) may involve each party going off exploring other parts of their life or doing other things, particularly for the couple who got together very young … they might come back together with the same fondness but greater maturity to have the relationship they were never able to have before.”
She points to social media as providing an avenue for people to reconnect in a way that wasn’t once possible.
“When they discover each other again later in life … if there is a sense of, ‘We had something special and that still seems to be alive between us’ or ‘We’ve grown up and changed’, (it) can lead people to say ‘There is an open door here’,” she says.
“This can be the case, even when there something seen as quite harmful such as a regretful affair, people can recover.”
The clinical and counselling psychologist knows of couples who’ve reunited due to illness or a personal challenge, or worked to repair a relationship due to the children involved.
“Some families have always kept up a tradition (even after a break-up) of family festivals, such as Christmas … they’ve stayed broadly in contact around that,” she says.
“When there are younger children, (typically) couples do try to make it work … the greatest chance of success is when the couple is able to show bravery and maturity and say to each other, ‘Look, we are struggling here, we don’t want to separate, we have young children, let’s throw everything at it’ … I think those couples who really face the challenges and the opportunity together, tend to fare much better.”
Husband and wife relationship and life coach team, Mark and Monica Sandercock, who run Magnificent Mindset, agree seeking support and help to work through relationship issues is critical.
“Relationships are at the core of everything,” Mrs Sandercock says.
“About a year ago we worked with a couple who had been childhood sweethearts and married for more than 10 years … they had little children and (their relationship) was in a very bad way – they were looking to sign divorce papers.
“They came to us as a last resort … earlier this year they renewed their vows and are now going great guns. “It is so rewarding to see, and the reason we do this.”
Her husband adds: “It is the absolute best (when a couple makes it) … to receive a photo of the family … that is so good and we just smile from ear to ear; keeping families together is gold.”
The lawyer
While everyone wants a happy ending, leading family lawyer Eva Bailey of Mellor Olsson advises seeking advice if reuniting after a divorce or formal separation.
“It is important for people to discuss whether or not they require any formal documents to be prepared to finalise their previous division of assets, before they recommence their relationship,” she says.
“This way they can be clear about what they are each bringing into their new partnership (noting what they may have spent or purchased while they were separated), as this would be important if they were to separate again.
“It will also enable them to start out fresh in terms of making sure their previous separation is properly documented, otherwise a reconciliation may complicate a division of assets in the future if the relationship does not work out.”
While everyone wants a happy ending, leading family lawyer Eva Bailey of Mellor Olsson advises seeking advice if reuniting after a divorce or formal separation.
“It is important for people to discuss whether or not they require any formal documents to be prepared to finalise their previous division of assets, before they recommence their relationship,” she says.
“This way they can be clear about what they are each bringing into their new partnership (noting what they may have spent or purchased while they were separated), as this would be important if they were to separate again.
“It will also enable them to start out fresh in terms of making sure their previous separation is properly documented, otherwise a reconciliation may complicate a division of assets in the future if the relationship does not work out.”
How can we help?
This article was published in the Adelaide Advertiser in August 2023 and features Mellor Olsson Partner, Eva Bailey.
The article highlights the importance of seeking legal advice for all couples, whether they are planning to marry, cohabitate, or even reconciling after separation or divorce. The goal is to provide protection for their assets in case of future separation. For detailed information and professional assistance, please don't hesitate to get in touch with our highly experienced family law team. You can reach us via email at [email protected].